Showing posts with label Funny Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Things. Show all posts

Monday, September 24, 2007

Kinky key catastrophe

Spicing up one’s sex life is always and important and exciting task. So imagine things hotting up and then voila’ handcuffs appear and when your partner tries to uncuff you, whoops the keys disappear.

This happened to a couple in England. Zoe, 32 was handcuffed to the bed for two whole hours after her boyfriend, Stuart, 34 called 999 and 3 policeman came. They managed to cut the chain but informed them that to get the cuffs off her wrist, they have to go to the fire station department.



After all that luck, when they went to the fire station they one watch was coming on duty and another was going off.

Zoe had 20 firefighters willing to help her.

Wow, they must have been left pretty red faced. Next time they should opt for keyless handcuffs.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Being Drunk

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Mental Heuristics

A heuristic is a "rule-of-thumb", advice that helps an AI program or human think and act more efficiently by directing thinking in an useful direction.

Some of these heuristics are age-old wisdom, bordering on cliche, but most are actually helpful.

If you want something done, do it yourself
Comment: Obviously true, and doing it is usually very good for your self esteem. A surprising amount of work can be done this way, and experts are not always necessary. However, there is a risk of becoming overworked if you try to do everything yourself - we all need other people after all.

Never procrastinate anything you can do right now
Comment: Very powerful. There are many things that can be fixed or solved with a minimum of effort, but are often pushed aside as unimportant. Unfortunately they won't go away, and in time the feelings of guilt for not having done them will make you even less likely of fixing the problems.

When you have several things you could be doing and don't know which to do: Just do any one of them!
Comments: If you cannot decide between two or more possibilities, then there is a good chance that the differences don't matter. However, most people begin to hesitate in this kind of situation (Fredkin's paradox). If you are conscious of this, you can just choose one choice randomly or according to some standard method.

Always assume that you will succeed
Comments: If you don't expect to succeed in an endeavor, then you will not do your best and will not notice possible solutions, while if you feel that you will eventually succeed you will concentrate all your power at the problem. Of course, there is no point in attempting what you cannot do, a certain amount of self-knowledge is always needed.

If you can't find a solution, change the rules.
Comment: Remember that there are no no-win scenarios.

If you cannot do anything about something, there is no point in worrying about it.
Comment: Worrying is stressful, and in most situations doesn't accomplish anything - it just wastes energy. Instead of worrying about things, either do something about them or find ways around the problem. One useful idea is to write down your worries on slips of paper, and then put them away in a box. Regularly, once a week or so, you open the box and see what you can do about the worries that are still relevant.

Do not rely on conscious decisions for speed - Just Do It
Comments: The conscious mind is surprisingly slow, conscious choices and actions are delayed for a significant time (a reflex acts within some tens of milliseconds, an unconscious reaction to external stimuli circa 100 milliseconds and a conscious choice several seconds). The duty of the conscious mind is usually to inhibit rather than start action, and if you become too conscious of what you are doing in a tense situation you will hesitate or slow down.

It is a good idea to learn to rely on your non-conscious mind, since our conscious mind is slow and has very low bandwidth while the other systems in our brains have a tremendous capacity and actually do most of the real work anyway.

Don't try to explain away your actions for yourself
Comment: While we often do things we do not want to explain our real motivations for before other people (out of fear of embarrassment, anger or loss of image), it is a bad idea to try to convince oneself that the motivation was anything different from what it was. It will only reduce your self-knowledge with deliberate misinformation, and it is often valuable to understand what motivations you have (even if you dislike them or would never admit them in public).

Listen to your intuition, but do not believe it unconditionally
Comments: Intuitive or emotional thinking, analogies, "gut feelings" or "flashes of inspiration" can sometimes give fantastic new insights or show problems from a new direction. Unfortunately such thinking isn't always reliable, and quite often completely wrong! Such insights should never be accepted because you admire their beauty or they are intuitive, only because they fit with reality.

http://www.aleph.se/Trans/Individual/Mental/rules.html

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Should kids witness a birth?




A true story:
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child as home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."


Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.Smack him again!"

Friday, March 31, 2006

Water vs Alcohol



Check this out ... it's really interesting

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of sh!t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.


It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you. THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it!!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Avoiding speeding tickets

Here's a trick you can try if caught speeding

A young woman was pulled over in Austin,Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window,flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me aticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopersdon't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and herealized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in hispatrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.